day of discovery

a slow, pre-travel work day (yes, today is my friday as i leave for spain tomorrow morning) gave way to blog reading and youtube searching, which eventually lead me to this gem of a musician named casey stratton. he's a piano-playing, tori amos-obsessed, gay tenor - always a good thing in my book even though he might be a tad dramatic - but, i'll let his live performances speak for themselves:

a cover of "silent all these years"


a cover of martika's "love...thy will be done" (one of my fave songs of all time, thank you prince or symbol or whatever your name is)


"live to tell"


PS: he blogs, too!
http://caseystratton.livejournal.com/

packing day

the week's gone by really slow, but i expect that before every trip. i also have this nervous excitement about going. it hasn't hit me yet because everything leading up to friday has been sort of a blur. one day i was planning for uk to spend a week here, then all of a sudden, i'm buying a ticket to spain for a week. crazy! anyway, doing some prelim stuff today (calling my credit card companies, making copies of my passport and ID, buying a new hoodie at the americana, you know, the common pre trip stuff hehe). stopping by mike's to see the fam and have dinner before packing. i've decided on two hand-carry luggage instead of checking a big suitcase. problem #1 - i don't know which two i'm going to bring. to be decided tonight.

i'm really going to try - even though every time i travel i seem to fail to do this - and pack light for this trip. but in my head i've already got at least four jackets and eight pairs of jeans to bring, so i'll have to pare that down. i'm the worst packer i know, so i often ask for candy's help. i even had jeff pack two weeks' worth of clothes and souvenirs for me during my first time in london.

camera. must bring camera. i plan on taking lots of photos while in spain and really give travel photography a shot (pun intended).

my parents both seem well. dad got his cat scan done earlier this week and he went back to work the next day. i asked my mom this morning if either of them were in any sort of pain or discomfort and she said no, so i'm really thankful for that. in my mind, everything right now is just precautionary and we will do everything we can to keep them in good shape. i've told friends, coworkers, and coworker friends about it and everyone's been really supportive. it's extra nice to have them around at this time.

today is also voting day, for me. i mailed my absentee ballot earlier today and it felt great. it's hard to believe i've voted on two presidential elections. the last time didn't turn out the way i wanted to, so this year better be in my favor.

saturday

i'm spending this weekend at home. no driving out to l.a. no plans, just staying local and mostly, staying home preparing for my trip. i went to the gym early this morning so my mom could make it to her aqua aerobics class. my nephew and niece are also spending the weekend here so all afternoon was dedicated to watching little maya and playing with dean. i also wrote earlier today and got some personal projects out of the way.

around mid-afternoon, i fell asleep and took a long nap. i rarely take naps on weekends, but it was a nice addition to a productive morning slash lazy saturday afternoon.

the day after

i didn't go to bed until 2 am, really tossing and turning for unexplained reasons. i was tired though. it wasn't hard to wake up and get ready for work this morning. something about it being friday that makes a difference. i still couldn't shake off the thoughts i had last night, but at least i felt a little calmer, less stressed out. this was going to be my last weekend before spain, and apart from going out tonight to meet up with college friends, i told myself i was going to stay low-key all weekend. to save energy and money for the trip. driving to work was relatively traffic-free, but at one point around the east 210 entrance i caught myself zoning out. probably not the best thing to do during the morning drive to work. a cop (no lie) was even behind me, but a quick glimpse at my speedometer - 67 mph - told me i was in no danger of getting pulled over. that would've just been the last thing i needed.

apart from everything that's happened this month, i am really looking forward to my trip. i have no set plans on what i want to see, who, ahem WHAT i want to do while i'm in spain. i just want to take in every second, every step i take there. take as many photos as i can. i'm debating whether to take a small camera that i can carry around everywhere, or the panasonic linux that will hang around my neck and scream "tourist" for all locals. fuck it, maybe i'll take both. i still can't believe i'm going. somewhere between the uk break-up email and my parents' health concerns, i managed to book a flight to spain. so unexpected, yet so worth it.

day one

everything changed today. less than an hour ago, i found out that the doctor found something suspicious during my mom's routine mammogram earlier this week. a week after finding out my dad's biopsy resulted with him having to get radiation therapy in the next couple of weeks. i didn't know how to react when they told me just as i walked in after a long drive home from culver city. they were slightly giddy (?) about the news, not because they were happy, but more because they were in disbelief. so was i. i still am as i type this. "i guess this is what happens when you get older," they said. i texted a friend of mine who is going through something similar with her mom, then i went upstairs, one step heavier than the next, and took a long, hot shower. my parents remained downstairs watching their nightly korean soap opera. i could hear them laughing while the sound of muffled korean rises from the family room. they read the english subtitles but they've watched these shows for so long i wouldn't be surprised if they started speaking korean themselves. it was while rinsing off that i thought to myself, "i should write something. even if it doesn't make a lot of sense."

i also thought, "today could very well be a rebirth." and it sort of is. i feel as if everything up to this moment - stressing over traffic, long drives, ex-boyfriends, losing weight, money, my job, this fucking election year, prop h8 - seems inconsequential. unimportant. because right now, right here, is what i want to focus on. how i could be strong for them. how i pray that, in my friend amy's words, "make it stop." but i don't think i can. just hoping for the best, with that weird voice in the back of my head that insistently says, "they could both have IT." fuck IT. why does IT have to be a part of our lives all of a sudden? feeling this angry makes me miserably numb. but it also makes me feel so alive, crazy as that may sound. thoughts are racing through my head right now yet i can't type fast enough to put them into words. the most pressing thing is that i want to fast forward through everything but at the same time i want to slow things down to an unending pace. maybe tomorrow, i'll know how.