the crammys.

how come i don't have an awards show named after me? i mean that would be completely cool if i just handed out trophies to whoever i please. they don't even have to release an album before a cutoff date. shit, they don't even have to release anything. like, here you go, you've just won a crammy. how does it feel? then kelly clarkson will get all teary-eyed and thank roger her publicist, her mom, debbie and paula abdul's drinking problem. i get to pick the performers too. do away with the random duets. well, except for the paul mccartney/right said fred tribute to the beverly hills 90210 soundtrack. kanye west is allowed 10 minutes of speech time - except every word he says must be in a different language. try to say "i am the greatest person ever" now, kanye. fergie will host the show. not bep fergie, she's changing her wet shorts. i'm talking slim fast duchess of york peppermint patty fergie. she'll borrow one of cher's award show outfits from the 80s, except she'll be barefoot and accusing joss stone for stealing her jimmy choos. i'm not on acid right now. it's 4 pm on a friday and i'm going out of my mind.